I could find and marry a husband tomorrow.

I’m not so sure this would be the case in America. However, here in Kenya, I have come to realize that I am “hot commodity” in terms of marriage potential. Let’s face it-I am “white” and surely I can take them to America, the land where money grows on trees and you don’t even need to work for money, so why on earth would they not pursue me? And surely I would cook and clean and do all the housework and bear ten children, so where is the problem?

I have received many proposals from suitors of all ages and professions, and I have noticed that the more I refuse their advances, the more motivated they become. They don’t even ask my name before proposing- my name could be Fred and they wouldn’t ever know. And it turns out that even though I tried to assimilate as much as I could by chopping off all my hair and buying completely neutral clothing, I still stick out quite a bit. There is a prominent Indian community in my town as well, but it really doesn’t help with my blending in. In fact, they have proved to be the most persistent suitors (I come all the way to Kenya and will still end up with an arranged marriage with an Indian man. What luck).

But there are some men here that really do not take no for an answer. I will highlight only two of the many strange strange situations that I have encountered.

I found myself riding my bike alongside a boy the other day who seemed to already know that my name was Betty (close enough). After following me all the way to my destination, he graciously asked if I would receive his heart. When I said no, simply because I didn’t want to, he told me to stand up to his wants and accept his heart, at which I respectfully declined, and started to pedal away. I heard the cries of “Betty! Betty Betty!” for a good five minutes as I biked away through the sugar field. And then I hear a shriek “MY HEART IS INSIDE OF YOU!”

That is what I like to call, “True Love.”

There was also a young suitor by the name of Harry (at least that’s what I think he called himself) which I made the great mistake of giving my number to (he was a colleague, I had no choice). Within five minutes of leaving me, I received three phone calls, all of which I did not answer because I honestly had nothing to say (seriously, it had been five minutes). The next morning, I awoke to a text that said this:

“Go to your window, look outside, Someone is waiting for ur smile. Found the sun? I hav sent the sun to say to u gud morning ……. ”

Also, I checked this message immediately after my shower and was not yet clothed. Needless to say, I panicked after reading the first two lines.

After that irresistible test that I decided didn’t warrant a response, I got one a bit later in the day that said:

“On this bright bright day in your cute cute room thru ur small small window you can hear my sweet sweet song saying… I love u.”

Yeah. Decided to ignore that one as well.

Later in the day, I glanced at my phone to see that I had 4 missed calls. As I tried to fathom why on earth he called me four times in a row, I received a desperate text message:

“Plz call soon. I need to talk to you. I miss u By the way, what are u doing?”

This was the last straw. I decided a response was needed in order to stop further texts, so I told him that these messages were not appropriate and also that I have a boyfriend (…). But then I received the most despair-filled text ever:

“I am so sad and sorry. Just know that I still love u. Gudbye forever…. “

Sad face. That sad face will stay in my mind for the rest of my life. The funny part about this is that a meeting was planned later in the day that we were both supposed to attend, and he’s a member of my organization. So I’m really not sure that “Gudbye forever” was the proper response. He ended up not showing up, probably because he was way too depressed that I have a boyfriend (…).

So if you’re frustrated with finding a mate in America and don’t want to put any more effort into it, talk to my mother. She’s found some cheap round-trip Omaha to Nairobi flights for this winter season, wedding season.